|Photo + Design: Lindé Davies|
I read a lovely quote from Paolo Cohelo just today, taken from his new book Adultery
I am feeling it totally, the words in this quote rings so true especially for me right now .... I have recently made some changes and let go of some things and emotions and relationships that were no longer good for me. Sometimes we know, its something we can just feel - and yet we're unable to put it fully into words; that something is not right, we can't put our finger quite on it, but we know. That something can be nothing, but more often than not that something, is really something - and the fact that we had an uneasy feeling about it; says all the more. I started feeling more and more restless and distracted, it was only a couple of months into a new relationship and I couldn't focus clearly on anything. And I knew it wasn't because I was in love.... but because I was falling out of love!
I became somewhat a stranger to my usual self - that's always in control, and in control of my emotions, I actively participate in life - and fully appreciate the broad spectrum of emotions and feelings that we encounter along the way. But certain feelings and emotions are not conducive to our wellbeing and we need to learn to listen so we can make the right decisions.
I made a decision to end what could've possibly been quite a happy relationship - had we both been equally invested in it. I guess for me it was the potential I could see of a relationship, more than the person - and perhaps that was my first mistake.... But we all make mistakes and we need to recognise that, realise that making a mistake is not the end of the world and then we move on. My second mistake was that perhaps I was yet again a bad judge of character - I always see the best in people, believe that people are all good and have good intentions, that they mean what they say and they will never let you down.
But no - people aren't all that transparent, and I guess that's what makes life interesting - to have this melting pot of very different creatures all trying to co-habit in this world that can often be a very cold and difficult place to feel settled and content in. Taking control of a situation that was not good for me anymore - has been the most liberating experience I've had in a very very long time. As soon as I've decided what I was to do - I could almost instantly feel a shift - emotionally, I felt calm and content and I could focus again - and that's when I knew I was doing the right thing.
Before I make any major decision in life - I always try and place myself in that future position after I have acted on the decision I made - I try and feel the emotions, I ask myself "how do you feel now" I try and really fully focus on being in that future place, and focusing on what I am feeling - and more often than not that has lead me to some good decisions with some very good outcomes. On this occasion it felt like I had been under water for a very long time, and suddenly I burst to the surface - taking that first deep breath of fresh air - the oxygen filling my lungs and suddenly I could feel the sun shining on my face again. I felt light and weightless, the heaviness of the water-mass that had been weighing me down had suddenly disappeared
I guess the past couple of years I have become a bit complacent in some areas of my life, and I have lost a bit of the fight I used to have - the good fight that is, for the life that I knew I was supposed to lead. There were some things that happened and I guess I didn't realise until now - how it had affected me. It is only now - that I am feeling this immense clarity and focus and a new excitement for the future brimming from within - I know that by taking control of one small area of my life, it has set me free in very unexpected ways. It has allowed me to reclaim myself - not myself prior to the relationship - but a prior self - I had not even realised I had lost along the way.
I am grateful for the experience I have had and that I could allow someone new into my life, but I am even more grateful that from this experience I have gained so much more than I would've ever imagined. I have a focus, and I am working on finding my purpose again, I am paying more attention to personal development, I am feeling more creative, I have a lot more time and I am more productive - and my thoughts are a lot less self focussed and a lot more externally focused.
I am quite sensitive and I tend to over-think and over analyse every single thing. I have realised that there is no point in over-thinking, that there is a whole lot of fun and life to be lived and that life is too short to spending it pondering the what ifs the maybes the should haves and the would haves. If something or someone does not serve you well anymore in your life, it is up to you to make a decision and reclaim yourself. Sometimes it is not about letting go of something or someone, but it is more about reclaiming yourself. And by doing that - you are taking a step up and a step over something or someone that may have been standing in your way - don't push them aside, use them - use the experience - learn from it - imagine each experience as a stepping stone to the next phase, the next place we need to be...
A much longer post than planned, and I want to get this published while its still November the 1st!
A last thought and I'm off to bed. Thanks for reading all the way - and thanks for being on this journey with me... xx
|Photo + Design: Lindé Davies|